1st lady night out... in the US!

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, " Oh, so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President"

Have a good day...

Na Mwandishi wetu wa kiume...

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee....

Say what? Read below...

Ways for guys to be happy:

1. Be with a girl who makes you laugh.

2. Be with a girl who gives u her time

3. Be with a girl who takes care of you.

4. Be with a girl who really loves you.

Finally, make sure these four girls don't know each other.

===================================================

Women is the best vehicle in the world.

Front - 2 bumpers!
Back - 2 bumpers!
Self lubricating when hot!
Monthly automatic engine oil change!
Every type of piston fits!

============================================

8 qualities of a Perfect Husband

Brave,

Intelligent,

Gentle
Polite,

Energetic,

Nutty,

Industrious,

Sensitive

And if all else fails, read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!

Talk to Jesus in your own wayz... (a good story).

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.

"I guess you were expecting me, he said.

'No, who are you?" said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked,
"I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,"

! "Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man.
"Would you mind closing the door?" Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

"I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said the man.

"But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, But it went right over my head."

"I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man continued,

"until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me,
"Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest."

"Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair.

It's not spooky because he promised,
'I will be with you always'.

"Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now."

"So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day.

I'm careful though if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown
or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey.

Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her daddy had died that afternoon.

Did he die in peace?" he asked.

Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me how much he loved me
and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?"  The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish we could all go like that."

House maids and facebook...

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in excited, angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

Maid explained, "Ma'am I had already announced that on my facebook site that I am taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated reading Facebook. If you still had question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma'am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife's cooking."

Wife inquired: "But how did you get money to go to Mexico?"

Maid: Well husband of your neighbor was quite sympathetic when he read me on Facebook so he offered me money. He told me in two days he will also fly to Mexico where he will meet me and we go to Cancun resort together. I agreed, since your husband had done the same thing to his maid two weeks earlier, I was jealous."

Kiswahili...

An Englishman came to Tanzania and tried to learn Kiswahili...when he was about to return to his homeland, he was asked how much he had learnt. All he knew was....."Hakuna umeme"" Umeme imerudi" Umeme itaondoka" " Umeme bado" Kwa nini haijarudi?"Umeme imerudi na imeondoka" Umeme itarudi saa ngapi?"

That's it...

Being Polite in Business...

Sales lady:        Sorry sir u can't smoke here. Man:                        But I bought the cigarette in this shop. Sales lady:        We also sell condoms but we don't f**k each other here!
        ******************************************
Man kneeling by bed ………………
Wife asks: What are you praying for? Husband:    Guidance. Wife:      Foolish Man!! …… Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the thing myself!

Income Tax Dept... siku hizooo!

Mr.Patel who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department asked his accountant, Mr Shah, for advice on what to wear on the occasion

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer,Mr Butch, the same question, but got the opposite advice."Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, Mr. Patel, went to his priest, pandit Joshi; told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied pandit Joshi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.‘Wear a heavy, Panjabi suit with a nice long dupatta,’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.’

Confused, Mr Patel asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied pandit Joshi. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed."

Ukistaajabu ya Mussa...

Talk of stress! Happy Easteer Holidays...

Level of stress: you give a lift to a beautiful girl, she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father, you say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.

To prove...... then you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests the doctor says that you are infertile. You are extremely stressed but relieved. 

On your way back home, you start remembering that u have 3 kids at home. 

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twiga Stars on training...

Kabwela katuniz...

Bongo Tambarare...

Wale wataalamu wa kuiga bongo mpo? IGENI NA HII... ndio tutajua kweli wakali wa kuiga mpo...

Incredible Japan - 10 Lessons To Learn From A Grieving But Great Nation!

1. THE CALM!

Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY!

Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY!

The incredible architects, for instance. Many Buildings swayed but didn't fall.

4. THE GRACE!

People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER!

No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE!

Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. How will they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS!

Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak.

8. THE TRAINING!

The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that.

9. THE MEDIA!

They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters.  Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE!

When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.

Ingekuwa BONGO, vipi hapo... kama nakuona!

Jamani, sio kila kitu ni cha kuiga!

Some cultures are not meant for some of us who are truly traditionalists, so don’t copy some of these western things which might not be applicable to some cultures in Africa , so stick to the games you know, angalia chini jamaa anavyoaibika!

 Mambo mengine kama kuvaa suruali kwa dada zetu, kuacha vitovu wazi, nk. vyote hivi sii utamaduni wetu! Madhara yake akina dada wanajiaibisha na kujirahisisha bila sababu. kisa, eti kwenda na wakati... Aibu tupu...

ANGALIZO KWA WAPENDANAO!

A couple that has been married for 20 years were both recently diagnosed with diabetes.

Findings later showed that they both contracted the disease as a result of the names they called each other like; Honey pie, Sweetie, Sugar, Sweet heart, Sugar Banana, Sweet potato, Hot chocolate, Candy bar, Black forest, etc.

Please prevent diabetes by starting early, by calling your spouse names like; Baby bitters, Ginger, Chloroquine, Piriton, Pepper fruit, embe dodo, kitunguu saumu, kuku wa kienyeji, dogo dogo, etc.

Have a healthy & sugar-free romantic life

Loliondo kwa Babu...

BREAKING NEWS...

by senior international correspondent, bongotambarare, Lagos.

Chinese couple in Lagos gave birth to a black baby and Dear husband asked Dear wife... Chu, why baby black? She replied... We live in Nigeria, no electricity... Me hot, u hot, sex hot... Baby burnt!

Picha ya mrembo wa leo...

Italian History

Poor Larry...

Silly Larry........... 

Larry alipochoka kufanya kazi zake akazima taa, akambusu mkewe, akalala na usingizi mzito ukampitia. Mara akamwona mwanamme amesimama kitandani.

"Toka hapa nani wewe unakuja kitandani kwangu?"
"mimi ni mtakatifu Petro na hapa si kitandani kwako bali ni mbinguni"
"Ina maana nimekufa? Mbona mimi bado kijana? Naomba unirudishe duniani."

"Inawezekana, lakini siwezi kukurudisha kama mtu, labda nikurudishe kama mbwa au kuku"

Larry akakumbuka mbwa anavyopata taabu ya kulinda, "Bora nirudi kama kuku"

Mara akajikuta yuko kwenye banda, akiwa kuku jike na matakoni kunawaka

moto. Akamwona jogoo pembeni, akamwambia shida yake.

" Kaka ninasikia moto matakoni, inakuwaje?"
"Kwani hujawahi kutaga weye?" Jogoo akamjibu kwa maringo.
"Sijawahi"
"Chuchumaa, kamua kwa nguvu yai litoke."
Basi akakamua, yai la kwanza likatoka, akakamua tena yai la pili hilo !
Akiwa anataka kukamua yai la tatu akasikia sauti ya mke wake.

"Larry, pumbavu wewe, unakunya kitandani!"

Kwa wanaume wabishi...

wapo watu, sijui ni kwa nini hasa. Lakini wakimaliza haja zao hawaoshi mikono! Wengi ni akina baba... sasa haya masinki ni kiboko yao. Hapo lazima wataosha mikono tuu... au?

Jirani akichoshwa...

Bwana Harusi akipelekwa kwenye SOLO!

cartoons of the day... furahii day!

she is searching 4 a seriuos boyfriend.

Mwandishi wetu, ZNZ.

Binti mmoja mrembo wa kiasi anatafuta mpenzi, ni msichana wa miaka 22 anatafuta mpenzi wa kuishi nae, yuko zanzinbar na angependa ampate alie kua serius. Plz guys, she hates pretenders, she want kind hearted man sense of humor age btwn 25-40. her contacts are no..+255656279694.

 

ALL THE BEST M-DADA, UBARIKIWE KWA UJASIRI HUU. NA NAAMINI UTAFANIKIWA, UKIFANIKIWA UTUJULISHE. KICHWANGUMU.

Bongo Tambarare...

have a nice laugh...

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."
3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he
wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, put "getting older but you are getting better". The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"

The man said  well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom. When the cake was unveiled at the party
all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

Dogo tundu...

Mtoto wa kiume ni wa kiume tuu... tangu utoto utaona tabia zake. sasa hapo kwenye sanamu la dukani anachungulia nini?????

Mdudu...

Jumamosi kama ya leo, kuna wadau wangu wawili wako dodoma, wanne wako moshi, wawili wako arusha, dar ndo usiseme... wakipata hii 'menu' wanaamini kuna stability kwenye shughuli zao za week-end! Niwataje????

Military posse...