Popular Posts

Friday, December 3, 2010

Alcohol tester...


In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and
the director started looking for a new one to hire.
 
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.  
They tested him.  
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It's red wine, a musket, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."  "That’s correct", said the boss.    Another glass.  "Its red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."  "Correct."    The director was astonished.  He winked at his secretary to suggest something.    She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.    "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.  And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Vitukozzzz...


wathungu hamnazo...!

 wazungu kwa kutuharibia wa-afrika?!?!?!? sasa ndio nini kumwita 'naked baby killer' na kumwekea rangi ya mwafrika?
 kikosi maalumu!
 wajepu nao????
 haka kamnyama vipi????
 eeh! ndio, usalama kwanza...
sawa, tumekubali...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Are you infected? read below to find out...

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially
dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called
Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus
will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should
immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). 
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Different ways how to spot a millionaire...



ukiangalia kwa makini utagundua... hawa wadada wamewapenda kweli hawa wadau???? au masuala ya mfuko!!!!

picha ya leo...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Favorite Quotation...

"I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody" Bill Cosby

Mzee wa kiraracha...

Augustine Lyatonga Mrema, Mzee wa Kiraracha... sasa atarudi kwa shepu... na blackberry itapatikana, wacha azugie kwa mara ya mwisho hicho cha tochi huku akisubiria mshiko wa bunge.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

BATMAN BIN SUPARMAN...

Airport Security        :         What's your Name?  
Passenger                :         Batman    
                                             

Airport Security        :         Your real name please?    
Passenger                :         My name is Bat-Man              
Airport Security        :         Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name?
Passenger                :         Superman                                                    
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room    

Then they checked his Passport...

.


Monday, November 15, 2010

R.I.P. The Late Alfred S. S. Mosha

The Late Alfred S. S. Mosha (1944 - 1994)

Story Of Appreciation... Parents & Children

By John V.C. R. - DSM.

One young academically excellent person went to apply for a managerial position in a big company.

  
 He passed the first interview; the director did the last interview, made the last decision. The director discovered from the CV, that the youth's academic result is excellent all the way, from the secondary school until the postgraduate research, never was a year he did not score.
  The director asked, "Did you obtain any scholarship in school?" and the youth answered "none". The director asked, "Is it your father who paid for your school fees?" the youth answered, my father passed away when I was one year old, it is my mother who paid for my school fees.
    The director asked, "Where did your mother work?" the youth answered, my mother worked as a cloth cleaner. The director requested the youth to show his hand, the youth showed a pair of hand that were smooth and perfect to the director.


The director asked, " Did you ever help your mother wash the clothes before?" The youth answered, never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books, furthermore, my mother can wash clothes faster than me. The director said, I have a request, when you go back today, go and help to clean your mother's hand, and then see me tomorrow morning.
The youth felt that as the chance of landing the job is high, when he went back, he happily wanted to clean his mother's hand, his mother felt strange, happy but mixed with fear, she showed her hands to the kid.

The youth cleaned his mother's hand slowly, his tears dropped down as he did that.  It is the first time he found his mother's hands so wrinkled, and there are so many bruises in her hand. Some bruises incite pains so strong that shiver his mother's body when cleaned with water.
This is the first time the youth realized and experienced that it is this pair of hand that washed the cloth everyday to earn him the school fees, the bruises in the mother's hand is the price that the mother paid for his graduation and academic excellence and probably his future.
After finishing the cleaning of his mother hand, the youth quietly cleaned all remaining clothes for his mother. That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office. The director noticed the tear in the youth's eye, asked: “Can you tell what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?"
The youth answered, " I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes' The director asked, “please tell me your feeling."
    The youth said :
    Number 1, I knew what is appreciation, without my mother, there would not the successful me today.
    Number 2, I knew how to work together with my mother, then only I can realize how difficult and tough to get something done.
    Number 3, I knew the importance and value of family relationship.
    The director said, " This is what I am asking, I want to recruit a person that can appreciate the help of other, a person that knew the suffering of others to get thing done, and a person that would not put money as his only goal in life to be my manager. You are hired.
    Later on, this young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates, every employees worked diligently and in a team, the company's result improved tremendously.
     

A child who had been protected and habitually given whatever he did, he developed "entitlement mentality" and always put himself first. He is ignorant of his parent's effort. When he started work, he assumed every people must listen to him, and when he became a manager, he would never know how suffering his employee and always blame others.  For this kind of people, he can have good result, may be successful for a while, but eventually would not feel sense of achievement, he will grumble and full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parent, did we love the kid or destroy the kid?

You can let your kid live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plate and bowl together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way.  You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow grey, same as the mother of that young person.
     
The most important thing is your kid  learn how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learn the ability to work with others to get things done.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Bongo tambarare...

Bongo tambarare... kama hutaki wewe tuu! habari ndio hiyo...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wanangu wapenzi...

 My beautiful daughters from left is Julie and Ivanna.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Harusi ya mwaka...

Busara za midume...

LITTLE JOHNNY this Monday...

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development."

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little Girls stay behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' rude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, Get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go Ahead Anita"

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My Daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks:"Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a strip-club"

As all the young ladies got up and proceeded to leave, Little Johnny says,

"Hey relax you little prostitutes, it hasn't opened yet!"

Friday, October 29, 2010

TGIF...

Furahiiii Deiii.... Kila la kheri wadau.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

QUOTE OF THE MONTH...


"We all love to spend lots of money on buying new clothes, but never realise that the best times are enjoyed without clothes"

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10-10-10

LEO NI TAREHE KUMI MWEZI WA KUMI MWAKA ELFU MBILI NA KUMI. YAANI 10 - 10 - 10, AU 10TH OCTOBER, 2010...

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Washington DC's African American population is in decline.

As demographic data from the 2010 census starts to come in, it will show a startling trend - cities that have long been the African American capitals of the US are undergoing drastic change. On the south side of Chicago, in New York's Harlem, across New Orleans and in Washington DC, the black population is in rapid decline.
The numbers are particularly startling in Washington, DC - a city that was once so thoroughly black it gained the name "Chocolate City". In 1970, blacks made up over 70 per cent of the district's population. Things have changed. In this decade, over 27,000 blacks left the city, and around 40,000 whites moved in. Today, African Americans represent less than 54 per cent of the population and demographers predict they will be a minority in the next five to 10 years.
The most common explanation for the displacement is gentrification, and the rising cost of living that comes with the new, generally white, population.
"There's evidence everywhere you go in DC that DC is becoming richer and whiter," says Sabiyha Prince, an anthropology professor at American University.
Even as a black family occupies the most important residence in DC for the first time in history, "Chocolate City" is having an identity crisis.

Al Jazeera goes to the neighbourhoods of the nation's capital where long time black Washingtonians question their future in a city with centuries of rich African American past.
Source: Al jazeera

Friday, September 24, 2010

Nauliza wadau...

Hilo hapo juu ni jani la nini? Nasikia ni dawa inatibu magonjwa mengi likiwepo sikio???? Na huu msosi unaofuatia nasikia unaongeza heshima nyumbani kwa akina baba na mama????  ni madai ya raisi mmoja mwanamke kule amerika ya kusini. Mnaojua tafadhalini mtujuze...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Todays JOKE... "JUST FOR LAUGHS"


May all the Luos in the house stand up, including my good friend Obama ! 
Guest:
 Excuse me sir; may I have your contact no.

Luo:     Which one; Landline, Tigo, Zain, Telkom wireless, TTCL mobile,
            Benson Online, Voda or Zantel?

Guest:
  Tigo Sir

Luo
:     Office or Home?
 
Guest
:    Home

Luo
:     The one in Black Berry,  Samsung,   Siemens, Motorola, Nokia or Sony Erickson
?

Guest
:   Any will do for me sir

Luo
:    You are ok with Nokia!

Guest
:  Yes Sir.

Luo
: Nokia Twin Sim or Single Sim?

Guest
: Any will do for me sir

Luo
: You are ok with Twin Sim!
 
Guest: Yes Sir.

A Luo: Post paid or Pre-Paid?

Guest:   Sir you better just give me your email... ehh

Luo:     No problem my dear; now which one do you prefer;
yahoo.com, gmail, .co.tz, or .co.uk?

Guest
: Sir lets stop it there, I'll always come to see you whenever I need your attention.

Luo
:  You are at Liberty my dear to choose how you contact me; but will you be coming to my office, residence or in the restaurant?

Guest: Eih Yawa Bye
 
Na bado, Go down

How Luos call them....

Gardener                 -  
Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist
House Maid             -  
Domestic Operations Specialist
Typist                      -  Printed Document Handler
Messenger                -  Business Communications Conveyer
Window Cleaner       -  
Transparent Wall Technician
Temporary Teacher  -  
Associate Tutor
Tea Boy                   -  
Refreshments Overseer
Garbage Collector     -  
Public Sanitation Technician
Watchman                -
Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer
Thief                        
- Wealth Distribution Officer
Driver                       -
Automobile Propulsion Specialist
Receptionist              -
Office Access Control Specialist
Cook                         -
Food Preparation Officer
Bartender                  -  Certified Liquor Specialist
Housewife                 -  
Permanent  Secretary- Home  Affairs

Ai yawa!
This is living!!!   

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Wachaga nao...

Chuo maalum kwa ajili ya vijana wa kichaga kimefunguliwa hapa Kiborloni, Moshi. Kinatoa kozi zifuatazo: 
1.      Ulevi  Mwezi mmoja;
2.      Ujambazi miezi sita;
3.      Kuchoma mtu kisu wiki moja;
4.      Kuchoma nyama kwenye baa miezi miwili;
5.      Kungarisha viatu wiki tatu (maalum kwa vijana wa Rombo);
6.      Kuuza duka miezi mitatu;
7.      Kurekebisha mipaka ya kiwanja cha jirani miezi minne;
8.      Kupata mume msomi na mwenye wadhifa mkubwa miaka miwili;
9.      Kufuga ng’ombe mwaka mmoja;
10.  Kuendesha pick-up miezi minne;
11.  Kugombea udiwani miaka miwili;
12.  Kuendesha pikipiki za bodaboda na bajaji wiki sita;
13.  Kuchakachua mafuta mwaka mmoja;
14.  Kupata kazi TRA miezi mitatu;
15.  Kukwepa kodi wiki nane; na
16.  Kukatisha tiketi kwenye magari ya Moshi, Dar na Arusha ni bure;
Watakaojiandikisha mapema watafundishwa bila malipo, jinsi ya kuishi eneo la Kimara, Dar es salaam .

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Inatokea bongo pekee....

Young Chinga boy was appointed sales person at a local General Dealer's store in  Mbezi Beach, Dar es salaam, Tanzania. 
 
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had peach jam to which he bluntly replied, 'Out of stock'  At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.  



It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Chinga aside and told him, 'When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product.  For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like plum jam, guava jam and so on'

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Chinga politely replied, 'I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try carbon paper, manila paper or sand paper which are in stock!' 

 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dawa ya wasitaka kupokea simu...

Useful Sermon

By Moses Msuya, DSM.
 
A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday
and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he
waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments
, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed
your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat."

Friday, September 3, 2010

Mbwa kala mbwa... Furaaaahii day!

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I
charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and
the fare back to town is $25..."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Mfalme na wake zake...


THESE amazing pictures show the moment Swaziland’s former Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba was caught by state security agents holed up in a hotel room with King Mswati III’s 12th wife, Queen Nothando Dube.
Mamba appeared to have sensed approaching danger before dozens of security agents stormed the Royal Villas, a luxury hotel owned by the polygamous 42-year-old King about 10km west of his Lozitha Palace.
In a desperate attempt to make himself disappear, Mamba – wearing a brown suit -- burrowed into the base of a bed and slid in.
The red-faced childhood friend of the King was ordered out, head first, by the security agents who are believed to have been investigating his sex trysts with the 12th of the King’s 14 wives.
Mamba was immediately arrested and faces the odd-sounding charge of “trespassing into another man’s home”. He is expected to be finally exiled from Swaziland.
It has been claimed that Dube wore an elaborate disguise so she could enjoy clandestine meetings with Mamba, who is married. The queen is said to have dressed in military fatigues to leave the royal palace without arousing suspicion.
A palace source was quoted by the South African Press Association as saying: "For many months, the inkhosikati [queen] would dress in an army uniform whenever the king was not around.
"She allegedly got into her room and changed into her uniform and walked straight to the gate and no one bothered to ask where was this soldier going. In no time a car was there to pick the ‘officer’ up and whisked her to Royal Villas.”

But the risky liaison soon attracted the attention of Mswati’s agents who made their move while he was out of the country in Taiwan.

Mpaka kieleweke...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Wisdom of an Older Man...


 
 
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere
….'