Never Trust Jeans and Darkness...

Never Trust Jeans and Darkness, it might cost you a life...Insist on lights on!

Always Unpack and check the goods before you consume....

Never Trust Jeans and Darkness...

Another motor-bike from china...

T.G.I.F...

There are 03 kinds of men in the world...

 

Some remain single & make wonders happen,

 

Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,

 

The rest get married & wonder what happened!?

 

 what a comment?

Wazo la kijinga...

Na mwandishi wetu, Arusha.

"Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives"

Little Johnny again... this Monday!

Need to say more?

Ze best bizness...

Two Prostitutes were talking..
1st-We r in the best business in this world.
2nd-Hows that? Why?
1st-We have it, we sell it, and we Still have it!

Hawa ni Mademu Kweli?

Bongo tumefikia hapa? hata aibu hakuna tena?? DUH!

An Opening Ceremony...

DUH!

The Dogs...

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover, agreed to look after her neighbor's dog while they went on vacation. The only problem was that the spinster's dog was a bitch on heat, and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless, she had a large house and thought she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly alarmed by an awful howling noise coming from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the two dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were obvious in pain, but unable to disengage.

Try as she might, she couldn't part them, and was perplexed as to what to do next.Though it was very late, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after quite a long delay, a rather grumpy voice answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem to the vet.

The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I'll phone you back, and the noise of the phone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Ok," said the spinster, "But, do you think that will really work?"

"Well," said the vet, "It f**king worked when you rang me!"

Sababu 3 za kuacha mitungiz...

Hung Chow story...

Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey Boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

The boss says, 'I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and feel great. I come work now . . . you got nice house.'

The Boss name is RED = 'Retired but Extremely Dangerous', what will happen next!

Vituko vya ijumaa...

Bata ndio zenye... hasa siku kama ya leo... furahiii day!

College guys... mambo ya 'exile' yakizidi, kila mtu anaamua liwalo na liwe... lete nami nilete! kazi ndio hii

uswazi sio kabisa... sasa huyu baka kakosa nini? au ndio kuzalilishana dini hizi... haki za wanyama ziko wapi hapa? nini hii??? NALAANI KWA NGUVU ZOTE!

First Time with a Condom!

By Ikunda, DSM.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

1st lady night out... in the US!

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, " Oh, so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President"

Have a good day...

Na Mwandishi wetu wa kiume...

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee....

Say what? Read below...

Ways for guys to be happy:

1. Be with a girl who makes you laugh.

2. Be with a girl who gives u her time

3. Be with a girl who takes care of you.

4. Be with a girl who really loves you.

Finally, make sure these four girls don't know each other.

===================================================

Women is the best vehicle in the world.

Front - 2 bumpers!
Back - 2 bumpers!
Self lubricating when hot!
Monthly automatic engine oil change!
Every type of piston fits!

============================================

8 qualities of a Perfect Husband

Brave,

Intelligent,

Gentle
Polite,

Energetic,

Nutty,

Industrious,

Sensitive

And if all else fails, read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!

Talk to Jesus in your own wayz... (a good story).

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.

"I guess you were expecting me, he said.

'No, who are you?" said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked,
"I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,"

! "Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man.
"Would you mind closing the door?" Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

"I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said the man.

"But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, But it went right over my head."

"I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man continued,

"until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me,
"Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest."

"Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair.

It's not spooky because he promised,
'I will be with you always'.

"Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now."

"So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day.

I'm careful though if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown
or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey.

Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her daddy had died that afternoon.

Did he die in peace?" he asked.

Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me how much he loved me
and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?"  The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish we could all go like that."

House maids and facebook...

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in excited, angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

Maid explained, "Ma'am I had already announced that on my facebook site that I am taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated reading Facebook. If you still had question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma'am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife's cooking."

Wife inquired: "But how did you get money to go to Mexico?"

Maid: Well husband of your neighbor was quite sympathetic when he read me on Facebook so he offered me money. He told me in two days he will also fly to Mexico where he will meet me and we go to Cancun resort together. I agreed, since your husband had done the same thing to his maid two weeks earlier, I was jealous."

Kiswahili...

An Englishman came to Tanzania and tried to learn Kiswahili...when he was about to return to his homeland, he was asked how much he had learnt. All he knew was....."Hakuna umeme"" Umeme imerudi" Umeme itaondoka" " Umeme bado" Kwa nini haijarudi?"Umeme imerudi na imeondoka" Umeme itarudi saa ngapi?"

That's it...

Being Polite in Business...

Sales lady:        Sorry sir u can't smoke here. Man:                        But I bought the cigarette in this shop. Sales lady:        We also sell condoms but we don't f**k each other here!
        ******************************************
Man kneeling by bed ………………
Wife asks: What are you praying for? Husband:    Guidance. Wife:      Foolish Man!! …… Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the thing myself!

Income Tax Dept... siku hizooo!

Mr.Patel who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department asked his accountant, Mr Shah, for advice on what to wear on the occasion

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer,Mr Butch, the same question, but got the opposite advice."Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, Mr. Patel, went to his priest, pandit Joshi; told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied pandit Joshi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.‘Wear a heavy, Panjabi suit with a nice long dupatta,’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.’

Confused, Mr Patel asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied pandit Joshi. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed."

Ukistaajabu ya Mussa...

Talk of stress! Happy Easteer Holidays...

Level of stress: you give a lift to a beautiful girl, she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father, you say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.

To prove...... then you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests the doctor says that you are infertile. You are extremely stressed but relieved. 

On your way back home, you start remembering that u have 3 kids at home. 

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twiga Stars on training...

Kabwela katuniz...

Bongo Tambarare...

Wale wataalamu wa kuiga bongo mpo? IGENI NA HII... ndio tutajua kweli wakali wa kuiga mpo...