Talk to Jesus in your own wayz... (a good story).

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.

"I guess you were expecting me, he said.

'No, who are you?" said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked,
"I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up,"

! "Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man.
"Would you mind closing the door?" Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

"I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said the man.

"But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, But it went right over my head."

"I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man continued,

"until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me,
"Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest."

"Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair.

It's not spooky because he promised,
'I will be with you always'.

"Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now."

"So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day.

I'm careful though if my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown
or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey.

Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her daddy had died that afternoon.

Did he die in peace?" he asked.

Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me how much he loved me
and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed.

What do you make of that?"  The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish we could all go like that."

House maids and facebook...

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in excited, angry voice and scolded her.

"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."

Maid explained, "Ma'am I had already announced that on my facebook site that I am taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated reading Facebook. If you still had question then you should have asked."

Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"

Maid: "Ma'am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife's cooking."

Wife inquired: "But how did you get money to go to Mexico?"

Maid: Well husband of your neighbor was quite sympathetic when he read me on Facebook so he offered me money. He told me in two days he will also fly to Mexico where he will meet me and we go to Cancun resort together. I agreed, since your husband had done the same thing to his maid two weeks earlier, I was jealous."

Kiswahili...

An Englishman came to Tanzania and tried to learn Kiswahili...when he was about to return to his homeland, he was asked how much he had learnt. All he knew was....."Hakuna umeme"" Umeme imerudi" Umeme itaondoka" " Umeme bado" Kwa nini haijarudi?"Umeme imerudi na imeondoka" Umeme itarudi saa ngapi?"

That's it...

Being Polite in Business...

Sales lady:        Sorry sir u can't smoke here. Man:                        But I bought the cigarette in this shop. Sales lady:        We also sell condoms but we don't f**k each other here!
        ******************************************
Man kneeling by bed ………………
Wife asks: What are you praying for? Husband:    Guidance. Wife:      Foolish Man!! …… Pray for stiffness, I'll guide the thing myself!

Income Tax Dept... siku hizooo!

Mr.Patel who had been called to testify at the Income Tax Department asked his accountant, Mr Shah, for advice on what to wear on the occasion

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer,Mr Butch, the same question, but got the opposite advice."Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, Mr. Patel, went to his priest, pandit Joshi; told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied pandit Joshi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.‘Wear a heavy, Panjabi suit with a nice long dupatta,’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most revealing negligee, a nice V-neck.’

Confused, Mr Patel asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Income Tax Department?"

"Simple," replied pandit Joshi. "It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed."

Ukistaajabu ya Mussa...