watani wa jadi...

Bongo ni tAMBARARE kinoma...

Mto juu ya mto, mtoni...

Mto juu ya mto, wadau... huu mto uliopo juu ya mto upo ujerumani... wadau mnaojua zaidi mtujuze...

Ushirikiano...

DEFINITIONS...

School
A place where Parents pay and children play

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life
so that you can die Rich.

Nurse:
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters..

Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower..

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference
The confusion of one human being multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Dictionary
A place where success comes before work

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

Father
A banker provided by nature

Criminal
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught


Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence after

DOCTOR
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise

Three friends...

Three friends boarded a house-full bus. some how they sneaked their way in the center of the bus. They stopped besides a seat which was occupied by three girls.

The girls offered them seat on one condition that they (girls) will seat on their(men) laps after having the seat. The men agreed to the condition and had the seat and the girls on their lap as well.

After some time one girl said to the man on whose lap she was sitting, "Are you an electrical engineer?". The man was surprised and replied "yes but how did you know that."

The girl replied "I am receiving shocks from your solder gun".

After some time another girl asked to the man on whose lap she was sitting, "Are you a mechanical engineer." The man was also surprised and replied "yes but how did you know that."

On that the girl replied "your piston is hurting my cylinder."

After some time the third girl asked her man if he was a civil engineer. The man was also surprised and asked her how she knew that.

The third girl replied "Your dam has broken and flooded my village."

Motheri nomazzzz

Mom comes to visit her son Ernest for dinner........ who lives with a girl roommate Jane. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Ernest's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ernest and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ernest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jane and I are just roommates." About a week later, Jane came to Ernest saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ernest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :
----------------------
Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Ernest
----------------------

Several days later, Ernest received an email from his Mother which read :
----------------------
Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jane, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jane. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love, Mom.
----------------------

Lesson of the day:
Don't Lie to Your Mother

Proof That The World Is full of Nuts ideas...

By Shaibu Mdoe
DSM

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.


(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish tores.


(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.


(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'



(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.


(Who volunteers for these tests?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

******** And, the best for last? ********

Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach the author in the near future he will be in Guam!!

Office Stress

A VERY INTERESTING CONVERSATION

 

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, the ALMIGHTY.

He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.
Professor : So, you Believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD Good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor : Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?

Student : Yes.

Professor : My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent )

Professor : You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella. Is GOD Good?

Student : Yes.

Professor : Is Satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor : Where does Satan come from ?

Student : From . . . GOD . .. . 

Professor : That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?

Student : Yes.

Professor : Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor : So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer)

Professor : Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?
All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor : So, who Created them ?

(Student had no answer)

Professor : Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.. Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor : Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor : Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Professor : Yet you still Believe in HIM?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing.. I only have my Faith.

Professor : Yes,Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?

Professor : Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?

Professor : Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn't. 

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,
a Little Heat or No Heat.
But we don't have anything called Cold.
We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.
There is no such thing as Cold.
Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.
We cannot Measure Cold.
Heat is Energy.
Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?

Professor : Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir.
Darkness is the Absence of Something . You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .
But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it?
In reality, Darkness isn't.
If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?

Professor : So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.

Professor : Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.
You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.
You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.
It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that
Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.
Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.
Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?

Professor : If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and
Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor, Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?
Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The Class was in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?

(The Class broke out into Laughter)

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or Smelt it? . . .
No one appears to have done so.
So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,
Science says that You have No Brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room was Silent.. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor : I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.

Student : That is it sir . . . Exactly !
The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.
That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

NB:

That student was Albert Einstein.
Concentrate on this sentence

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence.... . 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

watani wa jadi...

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash'
and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,
The Dog.